All the perfect parents, raise your hands!
I hope not a single one of you raised so much as a fingernail.
I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. I am learning just like the next parent, and one of the biggest lessons that I have taken away from parenthood is that each child is different, which means that I have to parent each child differently.
For me, that means that Styles responds well to praise and negatively to constructive criticism. Madilyn responds well to…nothing. And Grady seems to respond to a slightly raised voice and redirection. Styles was sleeping through the night at 2 months, Madilyn was crying herself to sleep until about 6 months ago, and Grady is still up a few times a night after 2 weeks of sleeping through the night.
Did you hear that?
I heard a loud, resounding gasp for air from all of the NON-Cry-it-Out parents out there. You know the ones! The ones who swear that your child’s brain cells are depleted by the millions with every tear they shed.
I call BS.
There is a difference between a child who is scared for their lives screaming, and a child who is pissed off that she has to be in her bed instead of joining the party in the living room.
There is a difference between letting a newborn cry, and a child who is one or older.
Kids are STUBBORN and guess what? They don’t know what’s best for themselves. Staying up with Mom and Dad until midnight is WAY more fun than going to bed at 8. But as my children’s parent, I know that they need their sleep for positive brain and physical development.
So that brings me to:
”Bad Parenting” Technique #1: Crying it out:
We tried everything with Madilyn including nursing her to sleep then laying her down, rocking her to sleep, letting her stay up, letting her sleep with us, and crying it out (within reason). What worked for her?
Crying.
If you took Madilyn in any of the scenarios that I listed above. she was screaming in anger as soon as you put her in bed. She could wake up from a deep sleep to tell you how pissed off she was that you weren’t going to let her stay up with you. We finally realized that after telling us through her cries (because that’s how babies communicate), that she was mad at us, she would quiet down after about 15 minutes and fall soundly to sleep where she would sleep until 3am for a quick nurse. I know many parents in the Attachment Parenting circles would never admit this in public. I just did so you don’t have to.
That same scenario doesn’t work for Grady. He will cry frantically all night long if you let him so I go in to him when he wakes up and I pat his butt until he falls back to sleep.
Different child. Different parenting. Does that mean that I’m not an Attachment Parent? Nope. It means that I’m an Intuitive Parent and I parent my children according to their own individual needs, not my own ideals.
“Bad Parenting” Technique #2: Not Changing a Dirty Diaper IMMEDIATELY
Grady takes about 30 minutes to empty his bowels. If you change his diaper immediately upon smelling a little turd, that time is extended to about 90 minutes. If you just let the kid poop and hang out in it for about 30 minutes, he will empty his bowels in short spurts over the course of a half an hour. If you change him as soon as you smell a turd, you will change approximately 4 diapers over the course of an hour and a half.
I’d rather let him finish his biznezz than change 4 poopy diapers, what say you?
Change Me?
“Bad Parenting” Technique #3: Body Parts & Their Names
I took a Psychology of Human Sexuality in college and the one thing that REALLY stuck with me was to call your children’s privates by their anatomical names. This removes any confusion and shame associated with private parts. A penis is a penis. A vagina is a vagina. That is what they are and there is nothing dirty about those names. Madilyn knows that she has a vagina and that Daddy, Styles, and Grady have penises. There’s nothing nasty or sexual about her saying those things, she’s just calling a rose a rose, you read?
“Bad Parenting” Technique #4: Independent Play
I let my kids play independently. A lot. I am not up their rear ends all day long, though sometimes they are up mine. I allow them to play in the play room or in Madilyn’s room. I let Styles play in his room and use his imagination without interference. I don’t use flash cards on my 2 year old to teach her the alphabet and I don’t insist that she learn to read or do mathematical equations at this age. At the age of two, anything that they are taught is strictly memorization. Your kid can read? Your 2 year old knows their alphabet by sight? It doesn’t impress me. Let me bust out a book that they’ve NEVER seen with nary a picture and then we’ll talk about toddlers reading.
I know I sound harsh, I’m just being honest.
Playing Independently
There are other parents out there like me who feel inadequate because of all of the kids around them who know their alphabet and small words by sight. Forget them, my friends. Forget them. All of our children will catch up by 1st grade.
I think that at this age, independent play is extremely important. Styles played independently and didn’t know his alphabet by sight until he was in VPK at the age of 4. He also cried it out for a few nights before he could sleep through the night. Guess what? He’s in the gifted program, consistently scores “above average” on state tests, doesn’t have to study one iota to get an “A” in a class, and is a relatively well-rounded kid. So for us? Independent play it is.
“Bad Parenting” Technique #5: Let Them Get Hurt
Yeah, you heard me right. Let them get hurt. How on earth will they ever learn what NOT to do if you don’t let them make mistakes? I mean that in emotional terms and physical terms. When Grady is running down our slanted driveway, on the verge of falling flat on his face, I let him fall. How else will he learn to be more cautious? When Styles would rather play than work on his science fair project, I let him play so that he learns how much it hurts to cram your project into one weekend. How else will he learn to have time management?
And when my kids hurt themselves physically, you can bet I’m in the background clapping my hands and screaming, “YAAAAAAYY!!!!” instead of running to their aid. Teaching them to act dramatically when something bad happens just sets them up for relationship and work failure in the future.
Call me stony. It’s what I do.
I have 5 more “Bad Parenting” Techniques that will be continued tomorrow.
What “Bad Parenting” Techniques do you practice?
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Come to Our Nest 
My youngest was the same way with diapers. It took him a good 20 minutes to finish, so I’d let him finish. Now that he’s going to the potty? He still has to sit there for 5 minutes to go, so it’s just *him*.
Summer, I LOVE reading your blogs. I guess I do a lot of “bad parenting” also. When KC was 13 months and done nursing I let her cry it out because that is what worked for her. Alayna is 2 and I do not let her cry it out because it turns in to a blood bath of 3 hour long screaming, like someone killed your best friend, screaming. What works for one, doesn’t work for another.
I let me kids play independently. That’s why they make safety things, so that when your two year old is in the play room you know that she is okay. I let her play independently because quite frankly, as a stay at home Mom, and provider for other children, at the end of the day, I’m “done” and I’m sorry but I’m going to sit and relax and not stare at my child 24/7.
If my child is close to getting hurt, I do tend to try to stop it, or I close my eyes and wait for the fall, but like you, I clap and say yay, and brush it off. If you make a big deal about it, so will they. Now if they’re really hurt, then that’s different.
Private parts are private parts and Alayna will also sit in a dirty diaper for 30 minutes, because, like you, I’m not changing 4 diapers. Unless she has a bad rash, which she gets when she is getting more teeth. Then I will change her every time she’s wet. But if she’s good to go, then we wait it out! Hey if you like to change diapers and can afford to change them every 5 minutes, more power to ya!
Thanks for another good read
I commend you for posting this but I would never call any of the above bad parenting. I am in the middle of doing respite care for 3 teenage foster girls for five days and I can tell you what bad parenting is and isn’t. Giving your child limits and actually being a “parent” which seems to be disappearing art is never a negative. Helicopter parenting, trying to be the child’s friend, and not disciplining your child is bad parenting. I have worked with teenagers for over six years now and let me tell you, the lack of structure and the lack of parenting you provide when they are young, will come back and haunt you ten-fold when they are teens. If you aren’t strong enough to be the leader of your child now, I hope you are strong enough to be emotionally abused in the future. Just my two cents for what it is worth.
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I do not schedule my kids to play sports or have music lessons every day of the week. In fact we will go 4 whole months with nothing. What my kids do after school and homework is play outside. The other day I even caught my two boys playing catch together in our backyard. A lot of parents in our area have their kids scheduled every day of the week and then fill gaps with organized play dates.
This was a good post to read. My kids are school aged now, but I can relate to what you are talking about. I bet that the majority of parents do this, but like you said, they wouldn’t admit it.
I did pretty much all of this. A lot. I have four kids, after all. And they’re only five years apart, from youngest to oldest. I must be a really bad parent. LOL.
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Thank you Summer!! Finally a REAL mom that tells it like it is … on behalf of myself and all the other moms out there feeling inadequate on a daily basis….THANK YOU! My youngest is in Kindergarten and 2 things stick out for me that make me feel like a failure as a mother…. “I honestly don’t think I am the right person to teach him. I can’t teach him.” and notes on his work “He completed this with help”. Well duh I sure hope you helped him – it’s your damn job to help him!! But those notes & that statement the TEACHER made at a meeting made me feel about 2 inches tall. To this day I still tear up when I think about it!!
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YAY!!! Im a bad parent too!!!!
Thanks for telling it straight!
Would you expect anything less from me?
Ahhh good post.
I make fun of and tease my kids. It teaches them to not take themselves so seriously sometimes.
I’m a huge fan of independent play.
For quiet time in the afternoon I wheel the TV (ours is on a wheeled cart) into their room, and they aren’t allowed to come out until their movie is done.
When my babies are newborns, I don’t change poopy diapers at night. Not until they are ready to wake up. I figured out pretty quick that it disturbs them MORE to be fully woken up to change their diaper than it did to sit in their newborn poop all night, despite me trying to disturb them as little as possible.
I’m also not the whole… schedule their life with 10000 sports and events to always be involved in. Granted, my oldest is 5, but I don’t intend to do the extra-curricular stuff unless she really really seems like she wants to, and even then I will probably limit them to one activity each.
I let my kids (3 and 5) play outside unsupervised. Barefoot, even.
I don’t force them to wear socks when it’s cold, and they usually don’t like to wear pants either.
And… yeah I could go on!
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YES!!! I make fun of my kids ALL the time. Styles is going to a school next year for gifted children. I often tease him that he’s going to the nerd school but we both laugh about it. I also laugh at them when they make mistakes. It’s FUNNY!
Mine want to do extracurricular things but with 3 kids it’s hard. I’m not organized enough to juggle it all.
One activity each is perfect and I ABSOLUTELY agree. Children aren’t hamsters, you know?
*HIGH FIVE!* I knew I liked you
Yes! My sister has 5 kids and the oldest three are old enough for sports and they all have several activities… that would make me INSANE. Now granted I do tend to lean on the other side… I’m not good with getting them socialized.
I should probably be better about that, but all the moms I’ve met around here are not really on the same wavelength. I spose eventually that will change when we move out to our property! Which, by the way, lives in an area with lots of winter snow
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AMEN Momma! I’m in the Random group with you and a new follower! Love your blog!!! How had I not found you before!!!
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Thanks, Leila!!! I started blogging last May and have taken a couple of short haituses due to spousal pressure.
I love it when people tell me they like me, though! *blush* I’m so honored to be part of the group and glad I’m home from vacation so I can become more involved.
I must be a bad parent too, I do what you do!
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WOO HOO!!!!
I enjoy all of your blogs and enjoyed reading this one. But, I have to disagree on the 2 yr old reading a book is memorization. And would not have written anything if you had not “put show them one they have never read with nary a picture”. My son at 15 months could tell you what every letter was and could even give you a word for it. That was probably memorization, but at 2 he taught himself to read. And people would give him books he had never seen(no pics) to try to prove he was not reading. When he started school they had him tested in reading and had him stop at 8th grade. They moved him up to 1st grade and put him in the AIG program. He also could multiply when he was 4 and LOVED negative numbers. He is 9 and has consistently tested out of high school on several tests. Yes, he is not the norm and most 2 yr old kids can not read. Then you have kids that can…
Hi, Lisa! Thank you SO much for commenting! I absolutely agree with you that there are 2 year olds who can legitimately read. My parents tell me that I taught myself to read before my sister was born and I was 2. I was apparently reading small words but could sound more complicated words out. I never tested “gifted” but school was always extremely easy for me. I didn’t mean to imply that there has never in the history of the world been a 2 year old that can read but I think that you and I can both agree on the fact that 99% of 2 year olds who are “reading” are really memorizing.
Thanks again for commenting! I REALLY appreciate your input!
You care, I care. We’re way ahead of the game. Kids will grow up despite us and the best we can do is facilitate the process. If you’ve figured out what works best, you win.
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I just firmly believe that our kids are going to grow up SOME kind of screwed up and all we can do is parent them to the best of our abilities. No 1 child is alike and no family is alike. That’s really the beauty of it all. Trying to make your child fit your pre-conceived mold just frustrates everyone.
Thanks for sharing this! Sometimes I need to be reminded that it takes “bad” parenting to be a good parent!
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Exactly. Some people are too busy trying to be friends with their kids. My kids aren’t my friends. I love them to death but I’m their mom, not their friend. There has to be boundaries and often those are viewed as “bad” but my kids are all-in-all really well behaved so I’m proud of the job that I’ve done with them.
I agree with you 100%. Each child is different, and each one should be parented differently. Case in point: My 17 year old daughter has no curfew. Why? Because she is a good kid, and usually goes to bed by 8:30 pm. However, she went to a party last night, and this morning she rolled in at 6am. Was I worried all night? Of course. I’m her mother. But she texted me, gave me the address where she was, and assured me she was okay several times during the night. I figure if she’s old enough to have her own apartment (16 is the law in NY), then I’m not going to freak out over something like that. She could be living on her own and doing the same thing, and I’d never know. I’d rather have her text me at 3am and tell me she’s ok. Today, she’s not feeling so well (real shocker there). Lesson learned.
You sound like a great parent! My sister had no curfew but she couldn’t be trusted. I, however; had a curfew and I was the good kid. Why? Because I was popular and my mom was afraid that I’d get in more trouble than my sister. My GOD she was wrong.
I do NOT look forward to having a teenager. :/
[...] “Bad Parenting” Techniques That I Practice Daily: Part 1 [...]
I LOVE this blog… and I must be a bad parent, because I practice all five of those techniques, to one extent or another, with my own son (who is three years old). It’s all a matter of finding out what works for you (and your kiddo), and then sticking with it — because all kids are different!
I used to worry about the supposed “norm” all the time, when Bug was younger. He didn’t start walking on his own, without holding on to anything, until he was 21 months old. He was also very quiet until he was about two. He said words, so I knew he had SOME language, but he hardly ever talked — and I was afraid he never would!
Now? He runs around like a little maniac, and he talks my ears off all day long. I’m soooo over it.
My favorite “bad parenting technique” here is independent play. Every day I turn the living room television to Disney, and Bug goes to town with his cars and his blocks and his play dough (etc, etc, etc) whilst I vacuum or do other things that need doing. Sometimes I like to sit and color with him, or we’ll do a puzzle together, etc, but for the most part he’s perfectly happy to play without my interference — and I enjoy listening to him talk to his toys and stuffed animals, only understanding half of what he says. Kids have such great imaginations!
As far as teaching him things — I don’t use flash cards, and we don’t own any of those handheld Vtech or Leap Frog games. Bug knows the letters of the alphabet, and he recognizes 1-20 (he can’t count above 10, mind you, but he recognizes the numbers). He also has a few sight words, although I have no idea where they came from. He likes the Leap Frog alphabet video, which is where he picked up his letters — but I’ve never strapped him in his high chair and parked him in front of the television (which is something my cousin did with her kids). I dunno… I think picking things up is just something Bug *does*.
Incidentally, he also learned the most common vehicle brands (Ford, Nissan, etc) from watching car commercials. His favorite game is to yell “NISSAN!”, “TOYOTA!”, “‘ZUKI!” from the backseat while I’m driving — and I think it’s funny, because he’s better at naming cars than I am.
Amen for quirky kids.
He sounds like an AWESOME kid! Styles wasn’t allowed to have a video game until he as 5. He got the Leapster for his 5th birthday and that was the only video game that he had until he was 8. He LOVED it and he was constantly learning. It will be a little more difficult to enforce that with the babies because Styles has an XBox 360 that he is only allowed to play in the family room so they’ll get to watch him play, however; their own video games will only be Leap Frog products until they are closer to 8 or 9.
And thanks for being a bad parent too!
If that’s bad parenting, I’m screwed! Or blessed! I’m going with blessed. Keep rockin’ the bad parenting because it’s awesome… and dare I say… Good parenting?
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I think your techniques that you practice daily with your children are “normal”…….NOT “Bad Parenting Techniques” at all. I totally agree with all of them. So keep doing what you’re doing!
Thanks, Helen! I think I’m doing an alright job too. I have the occasional off day but who doesn’t? Have a wonderful weekend!
Are you kidding me? It’s not about finishing his business. It’s because I’m too tired to chase him around and pin him to the changing table. I’d rather wait 10 or 15 minutes til I can distract him better.
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