“Bad Parenting” Techniques That I Practice Daily: Part 1 started off as a 10 item list but because it was so stinking long, I broke it into two parts. You are graced today with Part 2. This one is sure to knock a few socks off. “Bad Parenting” Technique #6: No Doctor is (sometimes) the [...]
Aug 162012
I’ve never been known for having a clean mind. I can generally find the most harmless comment raunchy and I am a “That’s what she said” ninja. I’ve matured a smidge in the past few years but not enough to notice when the middle aged creators of children’s shows are being downright disgusting. And on purpose.
The very first time I watched Grady’s favorite show, I couldn’t help but think of sex toys and body parts; I totally know I’m not alone. You guys know which TV show I’m talking about. The one starring the 5 friendly monsters, one of whom happens to be a long, nuby shaft with one eye. A one eyed monster that looks just like this:
This phallic character dances around and likes to play pretend where you guess what animal or object he is pretending to be. All I see is a giant red dildo throbbing around the screen. C’mon, even my 11 year old noticed that he looks like an infected penis. Don’t hate.
The fun doesn’t stop there. There’s a bright pink butt-plug wearing a flower. You know, for a deflowered butt hole. Don’t believe me? Check this out:
See the resemblance? This character’s name reminds me of a fart, a poot, and a fluff all wrapped in one name; all pertaining to the butt hole. Coincidence? Her favorite game involves solving puzzles and mazes. ”Which orifice is perfect for me to fit inside?” Butt hole. *PPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT*
Then there’s a pretty, blue, vibrating bullet on the show too. They didn’t even care to hide the fact that she looks like a bullet by naming her a female body part. They couldn’t have come up with a more discreet name? My mom called my vagina a toodee when we were growing up so calling this little bullet Toodee is, I guess, oddly appropriate. Toodee listens to sounds with her cracked out viewers and urges them to guess what they are. *VVVVIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBEEEEEEEE* I hear a magic bullet.
NEXT!
Can you guess what I’m thinking of? It’s big, bushy, and shaped like a pubic mound.
A fan favorite, and the least toy-looking. This one has parties in his tummy all the time. Apparently it’s the place to be! I’m not even going to touch that one.
The leader of the group looks oddly like a pocket rocket. He beams out of work celebrities in to show off their fantastic dance moves. He also teaches people how to do daily skills in 4 simple steps:
- Place battery in the compartment
- Turn switch to “on”
- Place activated pocket rocket between your legs at the most sensitive spot
- Relax and let it do its job while you ride the waves of ecstasy
“It’s fun to do!”
Then we have the overly happy gentleman who takes his toys out to play with them at the beginning of each episode. If I were playing with all of my toys at the same time for a very intense half hour, I’d be that happy too.
Disclaimer: I received compensation in the form of a gift card to Eden Fantasys for this post but all thoughts belong to me and my dirty mind.
Jul 012012
I don’t often talk about religion or politics on my blog, but I have felt a strong desire to explain my beliefs here lately. I guess because I don’t want to be misunderstood and I want people to understand a little bit about me when I talk about certain things, without having preconceived notions. I want people to know what makes me tick and what I strive to be. I also want people to know that while they may think that they know about a certain group of people that I identify with, they don’t know ME and I hope to not be judged by others’ actions; only by my own. Surprisingly, this may offend both sides of the equation but I don’t care. It is what it is.
So here it is:
I am a Christian. I go to church, I enjoy fellowship with people who have the same beliefs as I do, it feels good and it feels right to me. I want my children to be raised as Christians but I also want them to be raised as tolerant, non-judgmental individuals.
My philosophy is, I believe, one that most Christians try to live by but struggle with. I believe that the teachings and life of Jesus are meant to show us love, humility, and grace. Jesus did not disrespect individuals based on gender, financial position, or what their struggles were. I think that his mission here was to love and to teach love and tolerance. Therefore, it is my mission to love despite everything. It matters not to me who you love, what you do for a living, what color skin you have, or what mistakes you have made in your life. Do I struggle? Sure. But I usually judge people based on what they’re wearing, how they’re speaking, or any gamut of little things that just plain ole’ annoy me. I’m not perfect by any means but it is something that I try my hardest to be aware of and when I find myself being judgmental, I make a mental note to find 3 redeeming qualities about that person. It’s something I’ve done since high school and something that I try to tell my children to do as well.
I try to live by the verse, “The first of you who is without sin may cast the first stone.” I am not without sin, mistakes, or misfortune so I cannot judge the actions of other people.
I believe that my relationship with God is my very own and yours is your very own. If alcohol feels wrong to you and you feel that drinking is a sin, that is YOUR sin. Drinking alcohol holds no power over me so it is something that I do from time to time. A glass of wine in the evening or a beer with lunch is fine for me, but that is between God and me. Nobody else.
If you love someone of the same sex as you, that is your deal. I love my husband who happens to be someone of the opposite sex but I can’t judge the relationships that other people choose to have and I won’t ever do that. I don’t even think that it’s a sinning struggle. I know several homosexuals who to go tolerant churches and I applaud their strength, courage, and their LOVE of God and one another.
I believe that the Bible calls us to abide by the 10 Commandments and also the laws that have been set forth by our government. I have a respect for authority and view it is a governing body who has my best interests at heart.
I believe that it is only my very own business to govern my life according to my relationship with my God. It is not your, or anybody else’s job to tell me that I can or cannot go on vacation or that I can or cannot kiss someone when we are dating. Kyle and I had premarital sex that resulted in a pregnancy and that is something that we had to live and deal with on a spiritual level together. It doesn’t make me less of a Christian than someone who waited to have sex after marriage. For us, finding love before we got married was better than jumping into a marriage JUST so that we could satisfy our horny desires. I wouldn’t even begin to try to judge a couple who lives together outside of legal marriage or has sex beforehand. God talks about being married before him and sex seals that deal. No piece of paper dictates my relationship with my husband other than to satisfy the needs of the state in regards to insurance and benefits. We did not HAVE to get married to satisfy what was already a union in the eyes of God. Yes, I know that this is controversial. Judge away.
Speaking of sex,I believe it is awesome. The Workaholic and I have an active and healthy sex life that involves sex toys, lingerie, role playing, dirty talk, and lots of lube. It’s between the two of us, it makes us happy, and keeps our eyes focused on one another. I think that sex is a necessary component of a marriage (or relationship) and even when I’m just not in the mood, it is important for me to remember that it makes The Workaholic happy (as long as he is not abusing the privilege). Bonus: I usually end up enjoying myself too.
I believe that people of ALL beliefs can be close friends and leave religion out of the relationship. My sister is a Muslim. One of my most favorite friends is an atheist. One of my favorite cousins is also an atheist. There are people that I love and respect in the blogosphere who are agnostic, athiest, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, and everything in between. It is not my job to judge other people’s beliefs. It is SIMPLY my job and my calling to love them, without judgement as to their religious choices. I won’t preach at you because that is not my job. I will simply live my life according to my beliefs and show you with my actions how I choose to believe.
I don’t vote for political candidates based on any sort of religious belief. Abortion should not be a government issue. Same sex marriage should not be a government issue. Whether not not I can fish off of the back of a donkey should not be a government issue. Whether or not I choose to participate in cunnilingus or fellatio should not be a government issue. My political beliefs span the spectrum and each and every one of them is based upon who I am as a person, not what religion I participate in. I can’t even call myself a Republican or a Democrat. I’m an American. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Because every person is made up of countless changing beliefs and I could go on for the rest of the day, I’ll leave it at that.
I’ve been told I’m an anomaly; a girly girl who loves frilly dresses, football, and sweat. An intuitive parent who still believes in the power of breastfeeding, baby wearing, and a good swat on the butt. I say bad words sometimes and I act like the fashion police when I’m people watching. I’m a work in progress who just wants to love and be loved for who she is, what her actions say about her, and her stellar abilities as a wordsmith.
So don’t hate me ‘cuz I don’t hate you.
Just love.
Jun 072012
FAMILY: YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ THIS. Consider yourself warned.
It’s been three weeks since Kyle left us and I’ve been doing great! The kids are easier to handle because it’s just me and we have a specific routine. We do what we do because we have to do it without him and we can’t rely on him to pick up my slack. It’s been much easier than I thought it would be and for that I am thankful. With lots of prayer and determination, I have managed to remain sane, continue to work out, and to get the house packed.
The last thing on my mind has been sex.
I was cycling when Kyle left and prior to that we had been traveling, staying with family where we didn’t even consider doing the deed, (you’re welcome, Renee). If any of you know anything at all about endometriosis or PCOS, you know that you just DON’T do it while you’re cycling unless you want to wind up in a Bloody Mary-type blood bath.
No thanks.
SO it’s been like 5 weeks. I’m cool with that! I can hang. I have too much on my mind to take the mental time to even consider getting down and dirty so it’s really OK.
But not for Kyle. He’s flipping out. I think he thinks his penis is going to shrivel up and fall off from lack of use if he doesn’t get some immediately.
SO he called me the night before last and said he couldn’t wait until next Wednesday to see my vagina. Er…Me. He said that I needed to come to Raleigh STAT.
I reminded him of the sex toys I bought him while I was on bed rest with Madilyn a few years back. He doesn’t want that.
I reminded him that if he was out of lube, he could go to an adult shop and get some. He doesn’t want artificial lube.
I reminded him that the 12th wasn’t all that far away. He couldn’t go another day.
I finally said I’d come despite the massive amounts of packing and cleaning that I still have to do because I can’t stand the thought of his penis becoming dust in the wind.
I mean, I still want to use it!
Just not so much right now.
So I’ve been mentally preparing myself for a busy Friday and an even busier Monday and Tuesday to make up for my absence on Saturday and Sunday.
Then I get a text message this morning with this picture in it:
Yes, that is a speeding ticket. For $203. It costs $67 to fill the van up from empty. I would have had to fill up to get there and fill up once to get home. That equals $134. Plus the cost of snacks and drinks for the kids would have added MAYBE $15. A box of condoms would run me approximately $10.
That is a total of $159.
It would have been cheaper for me to go visit him than it was for him to drive home last night, going 69 in a 50. WHAT. THE. HECK.
I desperately need a new purse. And while I’m not a purse whore or a bag snob, I want a bag that is going to last me a couple of years. Something that will be time- and season-less too. I hate switching bags. I had my sights set on a new Coach from the outlet. $200 at the most.
But he told me we didn’t have the money for something like that right now.
Apparently we DO have the money for a $203 speeding ticket, though.
So my vagina and I are now staying in Savannah for the weekend to resume packing and cleaning.
If you’re in the area and want to see me, please come by and help pack. Shoot, come by and WATCH me pack. But at least come keep me company.
You know where I live.
I received promotional consideration from EdenFantasys. All conjugal visits and other situations are 100% my own.
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Come to Our Nest 
