So we’ve made it to day 4. I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda sore today. Not sore bad, but sore like my muscles actually got used yesterday. I feel FANTASTIC! Today’s challenges are really neat and #1 is something that I’ve kind of learned to do since becoming a Paleo life-styler. I don’t [...]
I have been suffering from paralyzing anxiety over perfection. Before we left for North Carolina when Kyle’s grandma died, we had an enormous argument about the state of the household. Or rather…the disorganization of the household and my lackluster performance as a housewife. At the time I was blogging daily, socializing my children, teaching my children fundamental things like their ABCs and 123s, creating culinary masterpieces for dinner EVERY single night, ironing The Workaholic’s clothes nightly, and volunteering at Styles’ school a couple of times a month.
SOMETHING had to go. That something, unfortunately for my family, for me, and for my bank account, was the blog. I can’t. DO. EVERYTHING. I’m only one person with 4 other people to take care of emotionally and physically. SO now that the blog has been sitting here gathering dust for the past 2 months, The Workaholic realizes that I was bringing in a significant amount of money each month and GASP! we need that money back in our budget. So he tells me that he needs me working on the blog again. AND keeping the house up. And I tell him to buy me a BLEEPING red cape to go along with my Superwoman boots ‘cuz I’m just one flipping Person.
My children are whirlwinds. It doesn’t matter how many times I run behind them to pick up their messes, 5 minutes later they have destroyed another room from top to bottom. Case in point: I cleaned the CRAP out of my bathrooms today. I got in there and really gave it some elbow grease, cleaning crevices, mirrors, and shower doors that are sometimes neglected during my weekly bathroom clean. I had to lock them out of the bathroom while I cleaned, simply because Grady likes to climb INTO the shower while I scrub it which doesn’t do me a whole lot of good. I use botanical cleaners so it’s completely safe for him to do, just annoying and counterproductive for me. When I emerged from my gleaming bathroom about 30 minutes later, the entire Great Room was destroyed. Toys were scattered about, clean laundry was all over the floor, drawers in the kitchen were completely emptied; and the pantry was open, almonds scattered on the floor.
I wanted to cry.
The bathroom might be cleaner than it’s ever been before, but the rest of the house looked like the Tasmanian Devil had been for a visit.
Kyle called me shortly after and told me that he was on his way home. At least 7 different expletives popped into my head because I knew that there was NO way I was going to be able to finish the squash casserole, clean up the disaster, change Grady’s poopy diaper, sweep the kitchen floor from the neglected lunch mess, and make our bed by the time he got home. I felt even more like I wanted to cry but I was frozen.
Staring at the mess made me literally dizzy. My inner monologue consisted solely of cuss words. I wanted to crawl under the table with the dried up lunch meat and cauliflower rice and die.
Of course, add in the fact that the kids had been screaming blood murder since I came out of the bathroom and you have one extremely stressed out mama who is ready for an intensely long sabbatical of silence and solitude.
When The Workaholic stepped through the door, he tried to run interference with Grady for a few minutes before going to check on a (finally) napping Madilyn. I finished up the squash casserole and went to see what the heck he was doing in Madilyn’s room for over 30 minutes and I find him sleeping. Must be SO super nice to get a nap every day.
Instead, I’m stuck cleaning up messes, writing my heart out (what little there is left of it anyways), scrubbing mold out of odd places I forget to wash every week, dusting the ever-accumulating pile of dust on the furniture, wiping feces covered butt cracks, working on science fair projects, and obligatory after-hours performances until the very second I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. Even then my mind is running a mile a minute about all of the CRAP that I have to do the next day that I will never in a million years be able to complete to The Workaholic’s standards because I’m only one person.
Maybe what I need is a sister wife. Any takers?
So how this is going to go down is: I’m NOT going to iron any more. I already told him that if I have to make money, then I need time to write and I don’t have time to iron his clothing anymore. I’d also LOVE to never have to scrub another toilet or vacuum our hopelessly disgusting floor. Maybe I’ll get him to do those things on a consistent basis soon too.
In turn, he’s not allowed to berate me for what I’m doing on the internet anymore. He SPECULATES about what I do all day long (because if the house looks like THIS you MUST be playing on the internet). When reality is that writing a blog takes time. Time to produce content, time to promote on social media sites, time to read other blogs and engage, time , time, time, time. It’s a decent paying gig until you look at the time that blogging really requires.
So that’s how it’s going to go down. I’m back for the long haul but I need some serious support from you, my faithful readers. Support comes in all forms too so if you want my address so that you can send over a baby sitter, I’ll gladly provide it for you.
How do YOU keep it all together and make it all work? Because I can’t seem to get my head above water let alone keep it there.
My wonderful friend who has guest posted here before, started a blog of her own recently! I am SO proud of her for plunging in and she’s doing an amazing job. She writes like she talks and is refreshingly witty and fun. I refer to her here as Madame Curve because she has the most amazingly curvy, beautiful body that I’ve ever seen in my life. She sent me a list of questions to answer and then I have to ask 11 questions of some of my favorite bloggers, so here goes nothing:
1. Tagged Bloggers should post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!
Here are her questions for me and my answers:
1. What is your guilty pleasure? I rarely feel guilty for anything that I do. I guess the one thing that I “shouldn’t” do since I’m a Caveman Lifestyler, is eat frozen yogurt. On the rare occasion that we go out and indulge, I do allow myself some but I always top it with fruit so that I’m not TOO guilty.
2. Have you ever been involved in “Pay It Forward”? Describe I think that any type of volunteering is paying it forward. I used to do a lot of volunteering but now I only do it when The Workaholic is home to watch the babies. I enjoy going into Styles’ school to volunteer. I was also given a computer by my dad’s ex-wife but she was really just trying to get him to put a ring on her finger. She CALLED it paying it forward but she was really gunning for a 4K diamond. I’m glad they’re divorced.
3. What do you think has contributed to the decline of morals in society? I think that the malaise associated with parenting in our generation is contributing to the decline of morals in this society. I also believe that as the population of the world increases, the higher the crime rate will climb based purely on populations growing out of control. ALSO, it is easier to not be held accountable for your actions, or to have repeated grace in our judicial system. I think that holding people (even your kids) accountable to their actions and having a punishment that matches the crime is #1.
4. What would you have done differently in high school? I would have taken AP courses my senior year and focused on making the transition from high school to college a better one. I would have applied to more colleges and maybe considered going to UF so that I could live with my Dad and step-mom who would have made sure that I stuck with it from the get-go. I LOVE Auburn, don’t get me wrong. This little city girl just wasn’t quite ready for a large university.
5. Where do you go for “me” time when you’re desperate? ”Me” time? What’s “Me” time? No, seriously. What is that? I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sad though it may be, it’s the truth. I would LOVE to find “me” again, I just don’t even know where to start looking.
6. What are your plans for your summer? I plan on spending more time outside and with my children. I MIGHT even make a few early morning trips to the beach. I CERTAINLY plan on spending lots and lots of time with the infamous Madame Curve who has become one of my most favorite people on the planet. Other than that, we really have no concrete plans.
7. What are your favorite shoes in your closet right now? I’m SO not a shoe girl. OMG, STOP THROWING TOMATOES AT ME!!! The shoes that I wear the most often are the purple suede Clark shoes that I bought winter of 2010/2011. True story.
8. A day to yourself, what would you do? (if money was not an issue) I would go to one of those spas where you’re only allowed to talk at a whisper. Where they serve cucumber water and vegan food. I would have every spa treatment in the book and spend the rest of my day painting with my high-quality oil paints, the beautiful landscape. I would then cry myself to sleep that night with the thought that I would likely never have another quiet moment in my life.
9. When you’re at the beach, what do you like to do the most? I REALLY dislike the beach. Prior to kids, I loved it. SO I’ll talk about that. I most liked to find a comfortable spot on the sand with a fluffy towel where I would lie down and worship the sun, drifting in and out of sleep to the sucking sounds of the ocean on the sand. There’s none of that now.
10. Of the 50 states, which ones haven’t you been to? (I pulled out a map for this one.) Hawaii, Nevada, Arizona, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine.
11. If you could say anything to your 1st love, what would it be? I hate you for spoiling me with orange juice and vitamins when I was sick. For putting flowers in my locker or car at random. For picking wild flowers for me whenever you saw them. For writing a song for me. For being so tender and sweet and absolutely, romantically wonderful. Nobody has done any of those things for me since and it still haunts me. But I would also say thank you for being that way, and for all of the precious memories that I will never forget. And for teaching me that love is rarely found where you most expect it.
Here are my questions for my tagged bloggers:
1. Tell me about one of your earliest childhood memories:
2. If you were forced to wear one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be. Comfort over fashion? Fashion over comfort? Tell me all about it.
3. Did you have a “lovie” when you were growing up? If so, what was it and how long were you attached?
4. Pretend that we are playing “Truth or Dare”. You’ve chosen truth. My question to you IS: Who was your first kiss? how old were you? how was it? do you remember any specifics?
5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
6. If you could change one physical thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
7. If I asked your friends what they liked best about you, what would they say?
8. Conversely, if I asked your friends what they liked least about you, what would they say?
9. What, if anything, are you doing to be kinder to the environment?
10. What countries besides the USA have you been to? Which one was your favorite?
11. In regards to friendships, is it more important to you to have a bunch of acquaintances or a small, intimate group of very close friends?
My tagged bloggers will be revealed this evening.
I still love you ALL. I really do. I miss my little bundle of faithful readers and I hope that I haven’t completely lost you all in the course of the last month. Following my post about my grandmother’s bout with Alzheimer’s Disease, I got news that my dad’s dad was not doing so well. I loaded my kids back up in our mini van (God, help me), and we drove the 5 hours to Tallahassee, FL to visit him. I am so thankful that I did because as I type this, he is on his way “home”. We don’t know when he’s going to take his last breath but he has been talking to Mamom with more frequency, whom many of you may remember died suddenly last year only 3 days before Grady was born. He told my dad that she was coming back tonight. Maybe to bring him home? We don’t know.
So just to recap: In the last month, Kyle’s grandmother passed away suddenly, my maternal grandfather had gangrene in his gall bladder and had to have it removed, my maternal grandmother moved into an assisted living facility for Alzheimer’s patients, and my paternal grandfather was pronounced…dying. To top it all off, I got my period for the first time in THREE YEARS, TWO MONTHS. Needless to say, I’m in a bit of a funk.
I don’t know if I’m dealing with some depression again? Or if I’m just overwhelmed by death and circumstances? I really don’t know. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and I have been paralyzed when it comes to motivation. Even taking my kids outside seems like an enormous chore. What HAVE I been doing? I couldn’t even tell you because my social life has tanked too. I just can’t move myself out of my living room. I am so very thankful to friends like Madame Curve at I Geek Out Over Clouds for pulling me out of a funk and providing me dinner yesterday.
For those of you who visit me for Paleo information, I’m STILL PALEO!!! I haven’t fallen off of the wagon. Unfortunately, due to lots of travel, I have had to indulge a little more than I like to admit but ;all in all, I have been 80/20 as opposed to my general 99% Paleo. Case in point: Madame Curve invited me over for dinner last night. After the day that I had, had; I was happy for the company and would have eaten 5 week old scrambled eggs with duck snot on them. She instead served homemade pizza. I ate it. The rest of the day was Paleo.
Another case in point: We went to the zoo to celebrate Grady’s birthday this past weekend. I ate BBQ there, which was smothered in sweet, sticky BBQ sauce. To be honest? I didn’t love it but I was starving. On a positive note, I lost ONE WHOLE POUND last month which is great considering the fact that I was traveling for about 50% of the month. I wish the number had been higher but I’ll take whatever I can get.
My DSLR isn’t working so I feel like, “Who on EARTH would want to read my boring blog posts without photos to back them up?”
My hair hasn’t been dyed since October and while you can’t SEE me, it makes me antzy and uncomfortable.
Styles has a science fair project that he isn’t working on and it stresses me out.
I haven’t been able to volunteer in Styles’ classroom because of Kyle’s less than desirable schedule and our recent bout of death-related travel so I feel like a louse and the world’s WORST room mom.
I want to start working out again but I’m SO out of shape that I would have to really start slowly. After being athletic my entire life (up until 3 years ago), it is a HUGE shot to my pride.
“The Occasional Parent” recently tried to rear his ugly, inconsistent, and selfish head which led to him offering for Kyle to adopt Styles. While it is something that we have been gunning for, for a long time, it just came at a stressful and difficult time. I wish he had taken us up on the offer 3 years ago.
I recently started a new business wherein I educate people how to remove toxins from their homes and begin building healthier lives. I’m TOTALLY excited about it, but I started the business a few days before Kyle’s grandma passed away and it just kind of fell through the cracks right off the bat which I hate because my heart really lies there.
So I’m still here, I just seem to have lost my mojo. I am literally just waiting for Papa to take his last breath and then I will begin preparations for another, final and sad trip to Tallahassee. I’m sure I’ll be blogging about that more soon after Papa goes home.
Thank you for sticking with me, those of you who are still here. I SO very much appreciate your loyalty to me even through the hard times. I’ll get back on a roll here soon, I promise.
In the meantime, if you can offer any encouragement, I’d really appreciate it.
Your downtrodden friend,
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